


Leave

by 4theluvofall



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 09:18:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12528060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4theluvofall/pseuds/4theluvofall
Summary: The aftermath of taking too many chances as an Avenger.Warnings: swear words, sounds like a major depressive episode, reader not taking care of herself. May be triggering





	Leave

**Author's Note:**

> This is very angsty. Sounds like a major depressive episode. Please be warned that it may be triggering for some.

You stared blankly out the window, willing yourself to calm down. You were shaking and you knew it was only a matter of time before you were reprimanded. Panicking at the thought, you imagined the worse case scenario when your door flew open. 

“Dammit Y/N! What the fuck were you thinking?”

You avoided eye contact, knowing he was right.

“Fifteen minutes, conference room,” and he stormed out.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn’t enough time to shower and clean up and yet it was the longest amount of time. 

You went to wash your face, avoiding looking at the mirror. You were angry, ashamed, hurt, and scared. You didn’t know what the repercussions of your actions would be but you knew this time it would be severe. It wasn’t the first time you acted impulsively and you had already been warned about your behaviour in the field. This time was different.

Shoulders down, you trudged your way to the conference room. When you arrived, everyone was already there. 

Though you felt their gazes on you, you avoided looking at anyone.

Tony called the meeting to order, “Since we’re all here, we can begin early. What were you thinking out there?” his voice was low, even. 

“Dammit, Y/N!” Steve thundered, “This isn’t the first time you acted recklessly out there. When you put yourself at risk, you put all of us at risk.”

You looked up, tears in your eyes. You knew he was right.

“Y/N, you’ve been warned before,” Tony interrupted. “We’re going to have to take action this time. You’re being put on administrative leave until further notice.”

You just nodded.

“Take the time to figure out your shit.”

Again you nodded. 

“You don't get it, do you?” shouted Steve, “You may have a death wish but the rest of us don’t!” he blurted out.

Your head snapped in his direction. Swallowing hard, you spoke up, your voice barely more than a whisper, “May I be dismissed?”

Raking a hand through his hair, he nodded. “Go.”

You turned and walked away. When you reached the door, you paused. “I truly am sorry.”

You returned to your room, walking in a fog, and immediately turned on the water for a shower. Stripping down, you put all your clothes in the hamper and brushed out your hair. Focusing on the steps you needed to take kept your mind off of everything.

You put the water as hot as it would go. It scorched your skin but you barely felt it. You scrubbed at your skin and washed up, meticulously and with purpose. 

After, you threw on clothes and crawled into bed. Though you knew you wouldn’t sleep, you wanted to shut everyone out. Curling into a ball, you pulled the blankets up high over your body, wrapping yourself in them.

That night, no one came to see you, though you can’t say you were surprised. Steve was right, by putting yourself at risk, you put others in danger. You saw the worried looks on your friends’ faces as you walked into that room. The tense eyes, furrowed brows, lips pursed with worry but also with fear. 

You rubbed your hand roughly over your eyes, trying to erase the images. You could see Sam’s face when you were almost shot, how he pushed you out of the way, putting himself in the line of fire.

Then Nat. During the previous mission, you had managed to get yourself cornered and outnumbered. Though she was supposed to get the intel, she had to come to your aid, almost losing the data she’d retrieved.

Pictures flashed before your eyes. At some point, everyone had had to sweep in and help you during missions. 

You were a good agent, sometimes you acted without thinking things through and some of it could be chalked up to bad luck. 

You never meant to hurt anyone or put anyone in danger. As far as you knew, you didn’t have a death wish. Though lately, you hadn’t been feeling the same rush as you used to so you were taking more chances, being riskier. That didn’t mean that anything was wrong, did it?

You shook your head, no. Your body was just getting used to the dangers associated with your job, that was it. You just needed to get over this hurdle, that’s all.

 

***

When your leave started, you felt anxious. You needed to keep moving and keep busy. You would still get up at your normal time and prepare for your day. You’d go for long runs but there was only so much running you could do. You couldn’t handle seeing the rest of the team training so your runs stopped.

You’d clean and organize your room, but after a while, how messy could one person really be so you stopped that too, keeping it neat but not cleaning every day.

Though you would still wake up, it was getting harder for you to get out of bed. So you found yourself just staying in bed until your had to get up to eat. You tried to make it to common meals but you found you couldn’t stand seeing everyone’s faces; some sympathetic some angry so you avoided those meal times. You grabbed some dry food and were able to avoid having to leave your room most of the day.

You developed a routine of sorts; you’d get up, lay in bed, eat a granola bar. Then, if the mood struck you, you’d shower and get dressed. You found you didn’t have to leave your room most days and you didn’t mind. It was easier in a way. You didn’t have to bother anyone else if you kept to yourself.

You still checked your email and replied to conversations when applicable, as long as it wasn’t work related. For instance, when a celebration was planned for Wanda’s birthday, you wanted to go and originally replied with a resounding ‘Yes’ but when the day came, you were suffering from a migraine, so you texted Wanda directly, apologizing profusely but having to cancel.

This happened a few more times with different circumstances and each time, as much as you wanted to go, when it came time to it, you weren’t feeling up to it and had to cancel.

Eventually, the invitations slowed down and stopped altogether, and you were sad for a while but shrugged it off. It didn’t really matter that much anyway, you knew if you were to go, you wouldn’t have any fun and it was too exhausting to do much of anything anymore. 

You realized that the seasons had changed and it didn’t seem that you were any closer to returning to the job. One day you woke up and realized you probably wouldn’t be returning to work at all. You had completely isolated yourself from everyone and you hadn’t spoken to anyone face to face in weeks, maybe longer. You had even stopped replying to emails and texts, and if you did reply it was with an emoji or a single word comment.

That day, you packed up your apartment. You weren’t sure where you were going to go but you knew you couldn’t stay here anymore. This was no longer home. 

The tower was quiet and you assumed that everyone had left for a mission. 

As you walked down the empty hallways, you felt a small pang of something in your chest. You rubbed at it, willing whatever it was to go away.

With that, you walked out the door.


End file.
